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Thursday, April 25, 2013

Decision


There’s no one awake right now (incredibly), and I need to work out some things which have been rolling around in my head.  They’re making too much noise for me to fall asleep right away.
My interview is tomorrow morning, and I don’t know what to expect.  It’s something that will cause me to grow, and it’s in a place I have wanted to return to for many years now.


The last program I had open tonight was iPhoto, and the pictures of last Christmas at my in-law’s house.   My nieces and nephews filled the screen, rolling around on the floor with Frank just before New Year’s.  Maternity clothes. A new property. A place we both love, but feel estranged from.

Time has not flown by, it’s gone by a day at a time, in neat 24 hour intervals.  God has used it to bring us my health, and our kids, our home, and our neighborhood.  I’m using the possessive pronoun intentionally to describe our lives, because they are our lives.  We’re responsible to them, thankful for them, blessed by them, in love with them.  And we may be leaving them.



One way or another, I’m going to read this later and cry.  Not just because I’m getting more emotional, but I’ll either be laughing so hard at the things I held up as barriers to our move, or I will be laughing at myself for getting my hopes up.  The last time was so emotionally draining, and I told myself I didn’t want to go through that again.  

I laughed so hard the night I was asked, because of God’s sense of humor: a guy with a “perfect life” gets offered the one thing he’s wanted for a long, long time, but has to leave a big part of that life to get it.  

So I don’t really have a decision to make yet, because it’s only Thursday night.  A few more days and maybe I’ll have a decision to make, but probably I’ll just have more things rolling around in my head, stealing sleep from me, making me visibly preoccupied. I’d like to share this letter with a few friends, but there’s too much I don’t know yet.

There’s one thing I’d like to avoid:  hurting the friends I love by moving away.  Years ago I prayed that God would provide these friends, and he answered plentifully.  I’d like to not damage those friendships, but that’s outside of my control, too.

Pennsylvania.  It’s the statehood equivalent of Shel Silverstein’s “the Giving Tree,” having given so freely of its natural resources for generations.  Its ridge and valleys are a sign that I’m where I belong.  Its purple hued evenings reveal that I am halfway between Center County and the Water Gap.  The glens of rhododendrons on the north facing slopes tell me it’s so cold my nose is going to hurt.  

I miss it every time I return to see...family.  A slew of nieces, nephews, and new land to either make memories or miss out on entirely.  All the things I saw when iPhoto launched 45 minutes ago.

If you’ve seen me over the last decade, you’ve seen me miss being “back east.”  So maybe I’ll just keep missing it, or maybe not.  Maybe I’ll find out tomorrow.  

-sw